Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

Beached Whale Alert

     So this past Sunday was a glorious day outdoors, and we, as a family, decided we ought to take advantage of that by watching a movie in the dark. No, we all went to Ramona Park here in lovely Portage, Michigan, USA. We met my buddy Doug there and his Familial Compound, including but not limited to his wonderful wife, Martha, and his awesome children: Dennis, Delia, Dandelion, and Dan the Man. A lovely afternoon was had by all. Oh, wait, I guess I ought to elaborate…

     Needless to say, our children wanted to swim. No problem, water ahoy. And, let’s not forget that there is a beach envolved on which there is mass quantities of sand. Gritty, dirty, rough… oh, did I mention gritty, sand. Yup, a day on the beach equals enough take-home beach grains to fill a bucket from the vehicle-leavings alone. Regardless, the kids had a blast making sand castles, moats, giant cess pools, burying Dandelion from the waist up and down… trust me, it was funny stuff. Simon, ever the Daredevil, ran around in the surf like some kind of Aquaman on some kind of illicit drug. Charlie, ever the lady’s man, nearly spalshed a rather pretty young lass with a full pail until he had the good grace to look her up and down as though sizing her up for a date or something (he’s not even six yet, the sly dog) and deciding against it after muttering, “Woah.” Classy. And Addison enjoyed chucking rocks into the water as Doug handed them to her and both laughed hysterically… especially when her diaper filled to bursting. Classy, part two. Fun, fun, fun.

     This segues rather round-about to my point. The beach was chock full of sun-bathers of evey conceivable size and shape ranging from the eye-catching stunners to the obtrusive eye-sores blotting out the very sun itself and blinding all men for several minutes. I have to say, after this little adventure, I think it’s time we here in the lovely state of Michigan pass a law: If you are carrying around anything even slightly resembling a skin-covered mattress on your person, you do NOT belong in a bikini… PERIOD. If parts of you dangle over your suit far enough to touch other parts of you, you do NOT belong in a bikini… PERIOD. If, by any chance, your thighs/belly/neck wattle/ass cheeks/ move on their own accord without you having to do any extraneous activity, you do NOT belong in a bikini… PERIOD. Now, that being said, I have absolutely no problem with normal, human-sized bodies exposed for all to enjoy. I have no problem with bodies having a little extra here and there exposed for all to enjoy, hell, knock yourselves out you beauties of the world. It’s just that nobody, regardless of who they are, is going to freely admit that a person, be it male or female, who commands their own orbit, needs to be in a banana hammock or G-Strings. Trust me. Come on out to the beach, have a great time, swim, lay around, do a little jig, whatever, just maintain some level of shame and keep your juicy apendages safely cooped up in something vaguely representing clothing. Please.

You know what, I probably ought to footnote this with an apology to those women who have Monroe-esque body styles (much like my astoundingly gorgeous wife… RAWR RAWR), you chicks are all right in my book. You dames may, indeed, wear whatever you do or do not want… Hmmm. Yeah, that sounded bad, sorry. Anyway, you get the idea, and I’m sorry once again if I sounded mean or nasty, it’s just that we all need a little restraint, right? Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP? No? Great, now I’m gonna get letters…

Stew

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3 Responses to “Beached Whale Alert”

  1. Its a good thing you added that last paragraph. i was about to stop eating and start drinking gallons of water. monroe -esque body huh!!! although, i still can’t fit into my two piece so i do need to drink lots more water. i am glad that you like what I look like… amy

  2. i just read your article again… what exactly is a normal human size body… just kidding, I will shutup now

  3. oh theres is more, where you thinking about giant fake cans lady the whole time you were writing this. do i need to get giant fake boobies too?


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