Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

A Laundry List of Excitement… Literally.

     Weekends are spectacular in the old Miller household! First off, since we no longer have use of OUR OWN washer and drier, we need to lug our piles and immense piles of laundry elsewhere. Secondly, it must be a laundromat, because there are very few other places where we can shove dirty clothing into machines and insert mass quantities of money in order to cleanse them. So, the house-o-laundry it is.  Now, in this particular laundromat, the absolute crawling dregs of sub-humanity wriggle their bulbous bodies out from the primordial slop to clean their filthy rags and slimy articles. I have seen some PEOPLE, let me tell you!

     In fact, and for real, I went to do my laundry this past Sunday, Mother’s Day, and despite the fact that there were very few people actually there, the ones that I did see were just about enough to blow my mind. Initially, when I arrived, I saw only two cars so I was really glad since I hate doing laundry with large numbers of people primarily due to the fact that I hate slinging my unmentionables around whilst other folks are not minding their own damn business, know what I mean? But I seriously digress… there I was, unloading my tubs o’ filth, when whom to my wandering eyes should appear but a couple so far outside the normal confines of reality that they had to be from another galaxy all together. Within their snooty, holier-than-thou hands hung a comforter and various other forms of linen on which God knows what went on the night before. They didn’t look particularly guilty, but my mind was reeling with stories for these two nose-in-the-air ass bags; did they slaughter a neighbor and had a bunch of blood to rinse out? Maybe they had a full evening of drunken debauchery with another hoity-toity couple and their collective love left-overs were festooned about the bedding… yow, that though alone is worth the price of admission. Anyway, they had no clue how to operate the funny metal box with the shiny buttons and proceeded to stare blankly while, behind the counter, the clerk was in hysterics. It was rather funny, I must say. They finally figured it out, but it made the first part of my day for darn sure.

     Next, oh yes there is definitely more, next came the pimp. No, seriously, a PIMP. This sparkling fellow came in with a giant blond Amazon on each shoulder both with a garbage bag of grimy ho-gear slung over one of their shoulders. It was priceless. At this point the mat had gotten a little busier, so it was bustling a bit with the common collective. Let me tell you every head in the place turned to take this terrific trio in, all with common gasp among them as if to say, “Would you just lookat the black man and his huge women!” It was almost as if they were scared for their very lives. Sure, I stared a little, and even though this particular pimp was a bit wee, I’m still relatively sure he would have pounced on my ass with bling a-whipping and put me in a choke hold or something. Oh, and both of these women, just to illustrate the very point that it was, indeed, laundry day, were decked out in halter-tops and hot-pants so teeny-tiny you could physically make out not only a toe, but a full camel foot. I was aghast… or intrigued.

     And that, friends and family, was my fun-filled adventure into laundry land. Sure, this place is a hole with barely functioning mechanics, but it’s still kind of cool and you get to see folks like this when you go. Next time I’m hoping for a Martian and maybe and axe murderer. That would be so cool.



One Response to “A Laundry List of Excitement… Literally.”

  1. I believe that the creatures from the laundromat, will be the special forces unit to save us from the zombie attack. Praise be the laundromat freaks.

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