Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

Zombie Survival: Safety First…For Me.

     Not that this is entirely possible, nor, for that matter, entirely impossible, either, but, we could potentially get over run by a marauding horde of zombies ANY TIME NOW! Seriously… kind of. Have you seen these things? They can either be exceedingly, yet frighteningly, slow a la Romero, or else they can be fast, angry, and ass-kicking to the Nth degree a la Zack Snyder, either way I figure you are pretty much going to get EATEN. I, for one, do not like this idea one teeny tiny bit. Luckily, I work in an ultra-fortified facility, so I’ve got that going for me.

     Yes indeed, I have to go through, count ’em, FOUR security doors in order to reach my destination withinthe building in which I perform my daily work routine. First, there is the parking area gate that features a card-reading mechanism across which one needs to slide hisor her personal ID badge. The gate swings open, you park, you walk to the exit from the parking area to turn-style numero uno (security feature part 2, if you are counting). Now, in order to get the giant wheel active you need to push the button (Frank) and proceed through. This particular turn-style only allows one to return through with a card swipe, however, so that’s nice… bleagh. Okay, now you are officially out on the street into the open air, this is the point of which one could easily be attacked and disemboweled by some zombies and infected lunatics of your choice. Once past the street you arrive at turn-style 2, or security lock-out part 3, and this time, too, you will need the use of your amazing key card. Now, beyond this part an individual is relatively safe for now you are surrounded on all sides by an eight-foot solid-steel gate that ought to protect you from the oncoming masses of the living dead. This area is like a huge courtyard featuring picnic tables, benches, and lovely foliage… a very nice place to view the scratching and clawing lifeless hands of the collected doom. Now, from where I come in, there is yet another door, a lazy susan-type deal similar to those found in your better bus stations that actually moves on its own sweeping you into the building like so much cattle. Generally, when I get to this point in my travels I take a quick look over my shoulder just to make sure I haven’t picked up any shambling corpse followers… I scare myself, too.

     That is how my morning and my afternoon, in that particular order, go. So you can obviously see how I feel mighty safe within my armored cell if in fact we have a resurgence of marching, slobbering, formerly dead monsters. This does, however, make it quite difficult for me to get to my family safely if the dead rise again. I can probably squeeze out a bit more rapidly if the zombies happen to be the slower, more purposeful type from the more spooky of the many films. I guess, despite the beeping and loud clanking that the many doors produce, I could still get to my van and plow a few down as I race against time to save my family and drive to the Winchester for a pint until the whole thing blows over. But, if those stomping necro-creeps are fast and furious hell bent for body fluid, I think I’m just going to have to call home and tell them all to stay inside. After all, we live on the third floor, zombies can’t climb stairs, right?



One Response to “Zombie Survival: Safety First…For Me.”

  1. I luckily have radioactive generators at my place of work. I will throw copius amounts of radiation at them and if it doesn’t kill them, they’ll at least glow in the dark to see them better at night.

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