Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

Oh Goodness, Control Yourself!

   Sometimes you just run head-long into things you ultimately can’t easily avoid. This can be a good thing, or, conversely, it can be a really, really bad thing. I think that humans have some kind of synapse that occasionally misfires in our brains that causes us to walk into a situation where we have to smack our heads and say something clever like, “Huh?”. This response only happens when we find ourselves so deeply into an unavoidable circumstance that we seriously have to take a step back, look around like a deer caught in some headlights, and wonder aloud how it happened so quickly.

     For example, let’s say you have to go out with your wife to get this one pair of shoes that are so strikingly attractive as to blind onlookers from miles away. “Fine”, you say, “let’s go get some shoes.” Oh, but it’s never that easy for lurking within your wife is the one statement you always dread… “We have to go to the MALL to get them, ok?” She spouts forth like a torrent of verbal vomit. Oh no, please GOD no, not the MALL! Only since the classic Dawn of the Dead has one building haunted your dreams so completely and so frequently! The MALL is an evil place filled with evil people wandering around aimlessly, zombie-like if you will, doing EVIL THINGS! DO WE HAVE TO GO TO THE MALL? And so you do. But in the car on the way there you swear that you will not be sucked into another store with your wife as she absorbs into the thrush of consumers like vapor. You promise yourself that you will, calmly, wait outside the store with all the other husbands, hovering and whining at the windows like sad-eyed puppies. And then it happens: you arrive at the mall, you follow your wife obediently to the shoe store, you hang back a little in anticipation of your plan coming to fruition, and you, somehow, walk into the unavoidable. You are now in the actual shoe store, itself, watching your wife rummage through pair after pair and have become one with the female collective. All because she asked you to since she wanted you to see the shoes on her feet. Sick, sick woman.

     Another instance is one that is at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Sometimes something so good happens you honestly have to deny its very existence in order for it to be that much more amazing. Let’s say, as it happened just today at my place of business, a fellow employee brings something delicious into the kitchenette that he has just finished. No, it is not gone, just his portion has been consumed and he now, with all seriousness and kindness, offers the rest to anyone who wants it. Oh, and did I mention that it is PIZZA? Yes, pizza; very few people can ignore its heavenly tastiness. Many have tried to pass by its rich, tomato goodness and its melty, cheesy beauty… and many have fallen prey. Pizza is one of those foods when, regardless of the fact that you may have just consumed an entire water buffalo, offered up, you reply with a, “Yes, please, may I have another.” Pizza combines so many of the very things man was given to ability to make by God that its actual presence on Earth is written in some lost books of the Bible. Pizza is perfection. So, my buddy brings this half-consumed box of the crusty glory to us and asks us to partake at our leisure. Oh sure, we say, “Thank you, but no,” for I had just eaten a lot of wieners and I was, in the descriptive sense of the word, full. But, because pizza was given the power to call you with its delectable siren-song, I caved and enjoyed. Pizza… there is no way to avoid it.

   There you have it: two solid examples of how we, as humans, have no control over so many different situations that we would, likely, do better avoiding. No if I could just watch my wife shop while I was eating pizza, I think I’d either be enraptured, or completely explode. I might just have to find out…



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