Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

When, or IF, Animals Attack.

So it’s come to this: I hate some really irritating animals. I think that just about sums it up pretty nicely. A) You must be in the animal kingdom as a whole, no vegetable or mineral at this time. But thanks for the application anyway, please sign out as you leave. And, B), You must be excruciatingly irritating to the Nth degree. Trust me, there are several that fit snugly into this category and I will be serving up a delicious tapas tray of them… NOW!

Do not get me started on cats. I loathe cats more than you can conceivably imagine. It’s due mostly to the fact that, since I am highly allergic to the little monsters, they find it necessary to get overtly comfortable with me until I have no other recourse but to kick the living piss out of them. Cats are cunning, sly little bastards that make every effort to locate me (when I do have to be around them) and rub up against me like a drunken porn star. Wait, that might be slightly better provided she didn’t have some form of VD. Anyway, once my nose becomes aware that a cat is present, it promptly turns on the mucus faucet and goes into immediate lock-down completely filling my skull to where I couldn’t breathe with a snorkel. Then my lungs slowly return to the days when our ancestors swam the murky depths and forget to take in oxygen. Now at this point I could, as a semi-intelligent human being, whip out my oft forgotten asthma inhaler and nose spray and proceed to go into ‘roid rage. I could, but I’d rather kick the cat. It’s a win-win situation.

So monkeys are completely insane. Bet you didn’t know that, did you? Yep, it appears, as it was so graphically illustrated by the Discovery Chanel’s Planet Earth series, that chimpanzees are ruthless, heartless, mindless killers who think nothing of turning on a fellow chimp and ripping its foul head off. Oh yeah, we totally saw it, too. Two rival gangs of these jungle monkeys were going at each other over, what else, territory, when a pack of these hellions pounced on another and ripped it to shreds and EATING it. Yes, you heard me correctly, they ATE the other monkey. That is strike one. So then, as the other bands of rebels were going at each other like, well, inner-city neighborhood children, they started attacking on TWO LEGS. STRIKE TWO. Now tell me that isn’t creepy. They looked like little, angry, George Burns without the cigars. Now I hate them, and you know why.

Bees. I have mentioned them before and you, at this point, know that I turn into a pre-pubescent girl whenever I see one or more… or one. I hate them because I know that if I get stung, I will die on the spot within mere seconds. Also, bees are nothing if not sharp and loud enough to make me picture them as flying, buzzing knives. And I want nothing to do with flying, buzzing knives unless it’s happening on a cool movie or something. Bees are supposed to be really helpful in spreading nature all over the place, and I guess that’s ok, but can’t we just relocate nature inside a special glass enclosure so bees can flourish the hell away from me? I think we can and we’d all be happier because I am so smart. Or something.

I think raccoons are pretty cool when they are flat and all over the street. Otherwise raccoons are too closely related to humans when it comes to eating food that it scares me. Have you seen how these little freaks use those grabby hands to hold apples, sandwiches, or knives? Good grief, it’s like looking at little, feral, furry children eating lunch or something. Sort of like my kids, in a way, Except I’d bet the raccoon’s manners are a bit better. Similarly related are those cute little guys: the otters. They actually use tools when bashing open clams or skulls. They get big old rocks, they support their shelled-meals upon their fuzzy chests, and they whack away like a hunger-crazed Thor. Yum, fresh seafood. I hate them already. Any animal that can effectively open a bivalve better than I can sucks.

Okay, I think I’ve vented enough on animals that anger me. Maybe next time I’ll write about some that I find cute and precious. Or, better yet, I won’t. Bye.



One Response to “When, or IF, Animals Attack.”

  1. Did you happen to listen to the news lately? Lot’s of other things to think about too!

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