Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

Sprung

So Spring is officially here… kind of. Michigan only ceremoniously gets Spring, it’s more of a feeling than an actual season. Oh sure, beautiful flowers bloom, nice new green leaves pop, the grass looks shades better… and then it’s all wiped out again by the fact that Winter refuses to go away without a fight. I can honestly say I don’t mind this one bit. Spring, to me, is just one of two seasons that turn my allergies up to eleven and render me completely useless until Summer. Hey, I have nothing against everyone enjoying our little pretend blooming season; get outside and prance merrily through the freshness while you can before it dies off in an April Blizzard. Don’t believe me? Check the weather. No, go ahead, I’ll wait. See? This very week… by Thursday, BAM! SNOW! April snow… so very depressing. Everyone’s immune systems are going to get walloped with system shock and we’re all going to get sick all over again. Ah, but even so, my allergies will die off for another week. Sweet irony.

I’m just not much of an outdoors person, which is weird because when you have kids and it looks even remotely nice out, outside you must go. Oh, and you must, or else you (and by you, I of course mean me) will get bombarded by requests and bargainings and pleadings to go out and play, and that just gets SUPER annoying after about ten seconds of ignoring them. So there I am, outside again… yippee. I play with the kids: throwing the football around, watching them chuck rocks at stuff, asking within the first five minutes to go back home and pee… it’s a damn BALL. I guess that living at an apartment where the outdoor activity level is limited to giant patches of grass, a wooden (yes, WOODEN) play structure we like to call WASP AND SPLINTER FUN LAND, and more giant patches of grass, kind of sucks the excitement right out of wanting to be outside. I mean the very least the owners of this “Living Community” could do is replace the WOODEN playground equipment with something that doesn’t actually hurt you when you “play” on it. This structure was built when the complex was new, something like twenty-plus years ago and I believe has the safety rating equal to rickety scaffolding. It’s just about as fun, too. The best part, and this is classic, is that the slide is sheet aluminum which, as you know, is a wonderful heat conductor (my best pans are made out of slides). My kids love the sensation of whisking down a COOKIE SHEET in the middle of a warm Spring day! Hot cross buns, anyone?

I guess I don’t have a really convincing reason why I dislike the out of doors so much. I used to be a Boy Scout, and those guys (when not carving things and helping old folks cross the street) are all about out door enjoyment. I think it all started when my allergies first decided to manifest themselves, including enhancing my love for bees a million fold. I suppose ever since then when Spring rolls around with all its sinus-filling, nasal-plugging, head-swimming, leukotriene-flaring glory, I don’t know, I guess I just need to be away from NATURE for a few months. Like in a fortified bunker somewhere in the MOON. Yes, yes, I take pills aplenty during these days of suffering, but nothing really helps to the point of what you’d call relief, or usefulness. I can pump my nose full of spray to the brim and breathe comfortably for a little while, but this solution is temporary at best. Then, in the middle of the night, when my body is like, “Dude, you are SO going to suffer HARDCORE until morning,” my head clogs up like a municipal sink drain, my eyes begin to itch so badly I start contemplating jabbing them out with hangers, and my nose turns into some dried out burlap sack packed full of wool. And I SO suffer HARDCORE until morning. Spring ROCKS!

Oh, and being a guy, I’m also not a really big fan of prissy, sissy flowers, either. Every time one of those suckers bursts forth from its underground prison, I tear up just a little bit. And I totally don’t mean that in a wussy way either… see the previous paragraph. Flowers are a wonderful indication that life begins anew and the lovely, colorful petals stretching effortlessly to the sunny sky above blanket the world in their glory. And if I wasn’t colorblind and allergic to time and space perhaps this would be really cool. But it isn’t, and I’m sorry about that. Flowers suck unless I’m giving them to my wife, then they don’t because I don’t have to deal with them. Usually I just get fake.

So you see, Spring in Michigan is a farce. And like a farce, not very funny and really hard to get through. But, oh, dispare not, for our next season is not far ahead: Construction. Also not funny.

Stew

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One Response to “Sprung”

  1. I’m leting you know I read my 2nd email you sent me. I love what you write. makes me smile. thx stew; U.
    A. Phyllis


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