Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

Something About Kids… Part Deux

Everyone knows, even those of you without, that children are wonderful and amazing little humans with vast, open minds and endless curiosity and energy who also eat dirt. In fact, those of you who do not, currently, have children have perhaps not bore witness to a child consuming dirt as though it were boxed cake mix. Trust me, it’s not so much the dirt that goes in that’s the real issue; it’s the dirt that comes out several hours later that’s the most fun and exciting. Especially if the child in question is still in diapers. It’s like a volcanic eruption: hot and sandy. But, as we’ve all heard, “God made dirt so dirt don’t hurt.” Obviously God never pooped it before.

Here’s a good one! Have you ever seen a child, or else seen your own, come trotting out of whatever mud-hole she’d been playing in only to inquire ever so innocently, “Daddy, is it ok if I eat a worm?” at the very moment you see her chewing? And your initial reaction has to be (after all you are a parent of some kind), “No, sweetie, we don’t eat worms.” However you barely get out a little of that thought before she grins at you with little globs of masticated night crawler clinging to her incisors. What can you do, right? Freak out and wash her mouth out with disinfectant and call poison control from speed-dial? Hell no! You laugh and politely insist she does her best in the future to leave the worms for the birds because you know worms are not going to kill her. You ate several as kid, too, you know. Very few things that live either on or in the ground are really going to do any lasting damage to your delicate baby. Trust me, if they did, many people who regularly live off the land would be dropping like the flies they serve over ice cream. Don’t worry about it.

Children frequently want to do everything the parent does including, but not limited to: dressing similarly, sitting in a like fashion, copying movements, swearing, smelling beer bottles… man, those last two kind of made me look like a would-be felon! But this, too, is every day life. If you call someone on the television a ‘stupid jackass’, expect little Alexis to call one of her friends on the bus a ‘stupid ass jack’ (so close) as well. If you enjoy a nice glass, or bottle (must kill the pain) of Merlot for dinner, watch out when Zack, your five year-old, finds the bottle and attempts to sniff and/or swallow the last little drop. Now I don’t condone cursing in any form at our house, but, let’s be realistic here, I have let a little damn or hell slip out on rare occasions… like when I’ve just dropped a full 2-liter on my toe, for one, painful example. But I do catch myself and I either make something up, like, “No, Charlie, Daddy said Hot Ham,” or else I just make absolute sure he can never say that word in public, say, around his teacher or principal. Like I have. Kidding. Now as for the alcohol issue, shoot, just give ’em some, they’ll sleep like babies for hours! Ok, ok, I’m so kidding here, too. If they want to smell it, fine, that usually deters them pretty well. Most people who aren’t complete beer-heads (guilty) know those bottles reek. Ummm, nasty beer…

I think a kid’s favorite food has to be snot. How they can not know when their little noses are gushing booger liquid over the lips and into the mouth only to mingle with lunch, is beyond me. Can they seriously not taste that? Then they open their mouths for more food and they get that little snot web that looks like Silly Putty glistening over their mouths. BLEAGH! And then, after you calmly let them know what’s going on on their faces while holding back the flood gates of vomit, they instinctively swipe their sleeves right through the slime trail. COME ON! Oh, we try. We try so hard to tell our kids to get a tissue when their snack tastes less like macaroni and more like mucus, I mean we have a box RIGHT THERE! But oh no, rather than even reach to the Kleenex box, they’d rather ingest their sputum or else smear it on their shirts. Can we just STOP BEING KIDS FOR JUST A MINUTE! By the way, I like to wipe boogers on my pants. You really shouldn’t be surprised.

My kids have been dressing themselves for quite some time now and, generally, it’s a pretty quick task requiring little supervision. However, on some occasions, and on most school mornings, it becomes the most difficult thing next to astrophysics. I can literally run, win, and serve a full presidential term in the time it takes Charlie to just TAKE HIS PAJAMAS OFF! I have seen less procrastination in a Congressional Hearing (though more whining)! When that first step is finally complete, and the trip to the bathroom has been concluded, then comes the really difficult part: Actually getting dressed. Charlie likes to watch tv while performing this amazing stunt, so, naturally, he gets, like, one sock on, his shirt at least over his head, stops for some juice and a lengthy diatribe about Star Wars, and at this point I am shaking my head in wonder at how, in the last twenty minutes, he actually looks less dressed. Simon is nearly as bad, except he likes to just march around like a dork in the nude. I don’t get it. Conversely, tell them that they’re going to NaNa’s house and it’s like watching them in Bullet-Time it’s so incredibly fast. That probably would have made a much better Matrix sequel, too.

So, that’s it for this, the first sequel of a past writing. I feel a little incomplete and lazy. I’ll talk more about that in part III.



One Response to “Something About Kids… Part Deux”

  1. […] is fairly new, but this guys look at the world is great. The way he talks about his children in this post is humorous and fun. As a mom it is wonderful to get a look at the world through a dad’s […]

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