Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

Learn to DRIVE, @$$H*!E!

There is positively no doubt in my mind that any attempt made at driving even remotely correctly in this city is best left to those with a vague notion of how to do it properly. Unfortunately, this is so seldom the case that our roads are inundated with severely brain damaged ex-mental patients who would sooner reenact complete business transactions, including holding full-scale meetings, than give the act of driving even a second thought. Somehow we (and by we I mean somebody else) have given the go ahead to basically anyone with a face, no visible weaponry, and a slight sum of money, a Driver’s License and the okay to operate a motor vehicle in and around other living human beings. This is where the problem begins and ends: Whomever is responsible for this grievous act needs to be located and kicked fully in the crotch. I’m sure it’s not the fault of just one individual, surely it’s the combined efforts of many people staring intently at sheaves of paperwork, rubbing their collective chins glumly, and wondering aloud how they can, as a unit, put more absolutely abhorrent licensed drivers behind the wheel and on the road. They have meetings; long, drawn-out palavers where the yes-men nod approvingly at the head moron as he or she (though I seriously doubt it’s a he… ha ha, right) offers up wonderful sounding ideas and plans where 16-75 year-old dolts and idiots are randomly tossed onto the streets, fully legal, with cars. This must be stopped right away and without remorse. The following list consists of a few inexcusable maneuvers I have personally noted that, if my suggestion is put into action, should immediately and infinitely cease.

First of all I am this close to going on a murderous rampage killing proudly only those who cannot obey the simplicity of a traffic light. Granted, there are many other cities I have been in where the basic red, yellow, green style of lights has been replaced with a much more interesting collection of pastel hues, haphazardly placed arrows and suggestive icons all within a stalk of signals reminiscent of a Christmas tree. But here in my home city, you get the basic trifecta: Red=Stop, Yellow=Yield, Green=GO! However, there are a significant number of people who are under the misguided impression that: Red=Maybe stop, or, perhaps, don’t instead. Whatever., Yellow=GO FASTER!, Green=Make important decisions that do not include any action verb related to the word, GO! You all know I’m serious about this. I have actually witnessed people so exceedingly obtuse at a traffic light as to glaze over almost into a coma at a light change from red to green. GO YOU BRAINLESS ASS! GO! It’s so easy, so very easy. But the sheer willpower of those uninformed is permeating indeed.

Going from point A to point B is made all that much more effortless by the use of the highway. Two such interstates slice our fair city into four sections, and they are I-94 and US-131, and they are, for all intents and purposes, the fastest way to get where you need to go outside of the city itself. Unless it’s during one of our four seasons: Construction. (We offer: Hot, Construction, Winter, Even More Winter) But that’s another subject for another time. Anyway, traversing either freeway choice is sometimes easier said than actually acted upon. Within our highway traveling community we have any number of entities including: Mr. and Mrs. Always-In-A-Hurry, Mr. and Mrs. Older-Than-Recorded-Time, Mr. and Mrs. Both-Actively-Sleeping, Mr. and Mrs. Going-The-Wrong-Way, and Mr. and Mrs. Semi-Driver-From-The-Searing-Bowels-Of-Hell. All of these individuals can be present around you at any given time, or, when I am on the interstate, ALL OF THE TIME. Indeed each and all of these people are all irritating any time you encounter them, but by far the very worst of all time is the person who does all he or she can to speed up and get in front of you only to gently SLAM on the breaks making you not only have to do the same, but also PEE YOURSELF IN YOUR FAVORITE PANTS RIGHT IN THE CAR! These people are blights upon our planet and instantly need to be struck by lightening and reduced to smoldering carbon. Do I look kidding to you? LOOK AT MY FACE! AHHHHH!

I covered this a little in my previous article, but it never hurts to go over the important things. I’m intent upon creating a study self sustained by the elementary premise that the elderly (anyone over the age of *SIGH* seventy-five) should no longer be allowed behind any steering wheel that isn’t attached to a sturdy, immovable child’s video game. I am quite convinced that as people inevitably age they completely lose that particular section of the brain that offers them the ability to make any rational choices while driving. Every solution and though process as a whole diminishes so thoroughly that it takes upwards of several hours to calculate a single action from conception to movement. This wouldn’t be entirely bad, if it all didn’t go so very, very wrong behind a steering wheel. Getting trapped behind a older citizen while stuck, helpless, in traffic is comparable to having unnecessary dental surgery with a corroded Garden Weasel. You can curse, swear, perform magic spells, physically leave your vehicle and threaten the grandmother with violence so severe God himself says, “Damn!”, all to no avail. You are lost, and the solution seems so distant. But I am here to offer my assistance and in doing so I say: BUNGEE-STRAP THOSE SEPTUAGENARIANS TO THEIR COUCHES AND BURY THEIR KEYS IN A SEPARATE STATE! I have spoken.

Well, I hope these ideas will spark some interest and as they all come to fruition we can enjoy our road trips so much more. And if they don’t, I have some Rage pent up I’d be happy to lend out, free of charge.



3 Responses to “Learn to DRIVE, @$$H*!E!”

  1. Oh come on, already… 65 is not that old !!!
    Many of us will be there in a decade or so and I, for one, damn well plan on driving my ass off !


  2. Hey! According to my wife all these people also drive downtown as well. Sheesh!

  3. Don’t get me started on bad drivers. If you want some bad driver action, I’ve got one word fro ya………Phoenix!!!
    By far the worst drivers in any state of the U. S.A.

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