Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

“Shout, Shout, Let it All Out: These are the Things I Can Do Without!”

Do you guys, like, totally remember that Tears For Fears song, or what? That was, like, SO awesome! GOOD LORD! Yes, as I assume you can all imagine, this particular tirade is about stuff that just rubs me the wrong way. I figured since I had an hour or so of free time while the ankle biters are all taking WELL EARNED naps, I would vent a little steam. I bet someone out there is wondering what, exactly, I do when I’m not flattening my ass in front of the computer. I’m a superhero for the government. It’s all very hush hush, but it does require tights and a dandy sidekick. I can say no more.

Things get wedged in my craw so easily it surprises even me. When it comes to moments, people, things, or plans and ideas that piss me right the hell off, I am not one to let them hang around inside and fester. You are so going to know about it. Take for instance my opening paragraph: using ‘like’ as a modifier for EVERY WORD. I absolutely can not stomach people who talk like that during every conversation. If you are just doing it because your friends talk like dumb asses, too and it fits the clique, so be it, you’re cattle, what do I care. But if you throw a ‘like’ in every other word ALL OF THE TIME, I want to push you down a flight of stairs into a pit of rabid wolverines. Stop it! The valley girl phase and craze went out with Tears For Fears songs… indeed. And hey, if you have to modify your modifiers (‘likes’) with the word ‘totally‘, you have seriously crossed the line in linguistics and should, from this moment forward, no longer be allowed to speak, period. In fact, let’s pass a law right now! Those that practice the speech stylings I have mentioned above will have their lips Crazy Glued shut and their tongues stapled to the roofs of their collective mouths! I could so totally, like, not be any more serious!

Old people are adorable and need to be admired for all they have done for us throughout the past. But the also need to be shut into glass enclosures in museums so we can gawk at them and laugh. I swear, if I get behind Moses’s mother while I’m grocery shopping one more damn time, I’m going to whack her in her crusty butt with my cart and send her reeling into the tortilla chips. Look, I completely understand the need for the elderly to remain semi-functioning members of society and their want to be independent until they croak, but give me a tiny break. I have been behind you in the car when all I can make out is a nest of gray hair held together by knitting needles and a mummified set of knuckles rigor mortis-ed to the steering wheel. I have been behind you in the check out lane at the store as you and your decrepit husband exchange, “WHAT?”s back and forth as you try to do a hostile market take over with twelve-hundred coupons. I have been behind you at a buffet line… you know what, how about just don’t get in front of me at the buffet. That’ll solve a lot of problems. Anyway, it is high time all the Ancient Americans in this country do what everyone else is afraid to tell you to do to your faces: STAY THE HELL HOME! If you are over seventy and can’t readily tell the difference between a dog and a television, you are home-ridden. END OF STORY.

I will admit I am, perhaps, the worst arm-chair coach I know. I’d be willing to bet a few of you suffer from this same affliction toward your chosen sport and team, so this should come as no surprise: watching your favorite team lose to a far inferior team drives me friggin’ nuts. In this case I am referring to the Detroit Red Wings. I have a slight admiration for my home hockey club. Perhaps a bit more than just slight: I have a tattoo of their logo on my arm. I bet you thought I was going to say ass, didn’t you? I may be insane, but I’m not crazy. But I digress… I am a die-hard fan, let’s just say that. So, as any hockey follower will know, they are doing rather well this year despite some rough bits here and there. As of this writing they are in the top three. I like to watch as many games as I possibly can, I like to watch them win (duh), but I get Hulk-rage when I witness them losing to a sucky club, such as: the Los Angeles Kings. Sure, they pulled the win out in the end in overtime, but come on, that shouldn’t have even been a consideration! (This Just In: A SAVAGE beating by the Boston Bruins Sunday afternoon… I couldn’t even bring myself to watch the entire debacle! Loss: 6-3. Oh, and just so we’re clear, despite the fact that MSU is in the Dance, Florida takes all again! Argument over!)  Just go out, take the little prick by the scruff, and knock the crap out of him! Is that really so much to ask? I just know you guys (and many gals) are nodding to this thinking of your respective team’s misfortunes and can agree wholeheartedly. It was the same thing last baseball season when the Tigers (another tattoo) were within spitting distance of the end when they caught one blind side by the Cardinals. I was LIVID! I was watching game 2 with my friend from St. Louis and I wanted to flick the smug grin right off her face! Sorry KC, but I did. I have issues. So, there you go: not living up to your current ranking during an easy win game kills me. Mike Ilitch needs to hire me immediately.

Finally I think I will just waste a little space naming the top ten remaining things that torque my guts. I hope these items bother you as much as they do me, and, if not, SHUT UP!

10: Friggin’ CATS!

9: The Damn TABLOIDS!

8: Girth + Spandex = ENOUGH!

7: Harbingers of Doom. Not a big fan of those things.

6: Pretentious Poetry.

5: Tricked-Out cars and more so, SPOILERS! STOP!

4: Inconceivably bad parents. GET YOUR DAMN ACT TOGETHER!

3: People who stink ALL THE TIME! FIND SOME SOAP!

2: The Lurking Unknown. You know my phobia…

1: Presidents. Let’s just elect a woman and get on with it!

I’m done.



5 Responses to ““Shout, Shout, Let it All Out: These are the Things I Can Do Without!””

  1. I agree with you on your team losing. My Chicago Bears Made it to the super bowl, yet every frickin minute up till end of game, they had to say how much the bears really sucked. If the bears had won, I would have called every local sports show and told them to suck it, get a life, oh and when yer done, wipe your chin.

  2. LOL I love your list here…

    I would love to add one of my own if I may…

    Nose pickers…

    “ewww” get a tissue already

  3. cat urine smell

    The best way to remove cat urine odors and stains…

  4. disturbed version is fucking!! ALSOME

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    […]“Shout, Shout, Let it All Out: These are the Things I Can Do Without!” « Stew Miller Musings and Rants[…]…

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