Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

A Little About Genies

Before I shuffle this mortal coil, I have got to find a Genie somewhere. I don’t mean some slaved-out TV version calling me master all the time and responding to my every whim (or do I?), nor do I want the Disney type who sounds like Robin Williams and, unfortunately, acts like him, too. No, I just want to find the regular style all mist and slightly sinister, more akin to the guy in the Bugs Bunny cartoon that eventually zaps Daffy Duck into miniscule oblivion. I want to find the kind that appears more often than not in insipid jokes that always begin, “So a guy finds this lamp on this deserted island…”. I want no rules, no provisos, no limitations to my wishes, because my last wish will keep me satisified for eternity. Even so, here’s how it’ll go:

I find this lamp on this deserted island… wait, no, i just trip over this lamp somewhere, maybe while I’m mowing the White House lawn. Hey, if I’m gonna be finding a Genie I can be doing whatever I want to, so back off! Anyway, so I’m mowing the lawn in my super sext cut-off denim shorts where the back pockets hang out just so to cover my taught, pert butt and I’m sporting a fish-net mesh tank top, possibly something in the light blue range… and I just pictured myself like this. So hot. Anyway, as I merilly mow I trip over this gaudy lamp from the sixteenth century, as indicated by the tag. I look, confused and hurt but otherwise hip to my next step, and so I begin to rub. And then I buff the lamp, too! RIM SHOT!

POOF! A Genie springs forth and issues his decree: “I am the Genie of the lamp and I will grant thee who freed me three wishes!” Nice. “First off, G, can I call you G? Okay, so first off Genie (they demand respect you know) I would like six money bins exactly like those owned by Scrooge McDuck from Disney’s Ducktales filled to bursting with real hundred-dollar bills so I may swim amongst them at my leisure.” Now, specificity is the name of the game when making wishes, you go a little half-cocked and that dastardly wishmaster is going to own you for it. “IT IS DONE!” He belows as he nods, or snaps, or hokey pokeys, or whatever it is he’s going to do when the wish is granted. “You now have two more wishes! MAKE THEM NOW!”

Okay, so I have the untold riches thing out of the way. Now, I realize that I am married and have children who would otherwise think this next wish is ridiculous and completely stupid, but let’s face it: I have to wish for this. I say, “Genie, make me a Transformer exactly like the cartoons from the eighties and I want to be able to turn into a space shuttle, a train, and some kind of other thing I forgot… just like ASTROTRAIN! And it can’t rip me to shreds when I do it, it just happens naturally like that kid from TurboTeen, another cartoon from…never mind. MAKE IT SO!” BLAMMO! I have the sweetest ability ever! I am AWESOME! So, I have money, I am a vehicle or three… what’s next you ask? Can you top these two amazing wishes you already have? WHAT IS IT?

“Hey Genie!” I slyly shout up to his emmenseness, “My third wish is… THREE MORE WISHES!” And so it goes, on and on ad nauseum until I have everything I want including: Princess Leia as Jabba’s slave working in my house as a maid, jet packs with vending machines that dispense only carrot cake and Hi-C for my children, a fifty-pound diamond crown with a huge flashing beacon that says “I AM THE WIFE OF THE SMARTEST MAN EVER!” every fifteen minutes for my lady, and a whole bunch of other completely asinine junk. And you know what? That Genie may have to move in after all, because every third wish is always going to make him roll his eyes and say, “Oh Stew, you got me again!” And we all laugh and freeze in place, just like those old eighties tv shows we all love so much.



2 Responses to “A Little About Genies”

  1. I wish it would stop !!!

  2. You know that the Genie isn’t going to fall for the three more wishes after my last. It didn’t work in Aladdin, and it won’t work for you. I think the genie that pops out should look like a cross between papa smurf and inspector gadget. I have no idea what I’m talking about.

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