Stew Miller Musings and Rants
I Complain (Oh, and Doodle), You Read and/or Comment, Everyone is Happy… IT’S SO SIMPLE!

Kids? Yeah, Good Luck With That…

As I sit here drinking sickeningly-sweet coffee from a mug shaped like Darth Vader’s head, I have come to reflect upon something: what kind of scholarship can I honestly expect to see achieved by any one, if not all, of my children? Like maybe a sports related one? Maybe like some sciency kind of thing where one of these kids of mine discovers a cure for excessive ear wax? I know: Someone’s going to Mars during high school, right? Right. Probably not too likely on anyone of those fronts. But a guy can hope…

Regardless of whether or not one of my trifecta can nail down a free ride through college, the trio as a whole is pretty darn smart. I have to say my daughter, Addison, has a slight edge, though. She is one and has already begun counting. By sixes. All the way into the thousands. Okay, that’s a slight exaggeration… it’s by SEVENS! Seriously, she can count nearly all of the numbers between 1 and 10. I know some respected adults who struggle with that. So as I say, she my be the shining star who snags the prize for cerebrally destroying everyone in her path like some kind of cuter, more playful Lex Luthor. I would like that, especially the messing with Superman part. He always struck me as kind of doofus.

However, having a smart kid doubtless has it’s disadvantages as well. I can just imagine the ridicule and bullying she’ll likely be the brunt of throughout school. So, on the other side of the coin, I’ll have to teach her some serious Ninja skills to better prepare her for the arduous journey she’s sure to face. She can carry concealed throwing stars and nun-chucks and put a hurtin’ on her aggressors. See, this is where I get carried away in my own head. Addison is probably going to carry forth the wicked gene that has plagued the Miller Clan for generations: big bones. So she’s got that going for her.

Moving up the age scale and the athletically-talented scale comes my middle boy, Simon. Simon has proven, via various methods including whacking things full-force with his skull, that he is up to the challenge of becoming either a professional wrestler (The Pieman!) or some guy in the Guiness Book of Records who smashes impossible objects with his head. On top of that, he has a mean pitching arm and can boot a ball like nobody’s business. Trust me on both counts, my crotch will be happy to tell you. With his blooming talents in the sporting arena, Simon will easily clobber and pummel his opposing teams in whichever event he chooses to dominate. So, right here we have the distinct possibility of a nice little athletic scholarship to a very prestigious school such as Michigan or, God forbid, Ohio State. However, if Notre Dame calls, we’re not home.

At the top of the sibling food chain (literally) sits our head master, Charlie. This boy was born seriously premature and so very little I was scared to death to even breathe on him wrong. Now, oh good Lord now, this towering mass of five-year old looks upon other kids his age and, in true Spartan fashion, throws back his head an laughs triumphantly. Probably because someone farted. Not so full of enjoyment of the sport as his brother, he does have the constitution of an ox. Speaking of ox, I think he could eat one if you offered it to him. This boy’s appetite is insatiable! This is where I can truly be proud of Charlie for I know, somewhere, sometime, he will eat that hod-dog chomping champion Kobiashi into oblivion. I can see it now: Dateline, Coney Island! Charlie Miller versus Kobiashi! Plates upon plates of hot dogs just towering into the heavens! The starting chime echoes into the crowd as thousands look on in wonder and disgust! It’s neck and neck through 20-30-40! Charlie pulls ahead barely breaking a sweat! Kobiashi slowly consumes his fiftieth and is dumped along the wayside as Charlie holds aloft number SIXTY! And showers his nemesis with a belch so beautiful, so powerful, as to make men weep. This is what I see in the future…he’s probably going to ruin his shirt, too.

So you see, folks, raising children, though a task best left to those with serious intelligence issues, can be a joy when you realize you have so much untapped potential in each and every little mind and body! Each of which you, as a parent, can live vicariously through eventually. Hooray!

Stew Miller


2 Responses to “Kids? Yeah, Good Luck With That…”

  1. And now you know how I felt…

  2. Just wait till they have kids of their own, then we can sit back and laugh our asses off at them.

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