Thursday: Random Thought Day II: Wednesday
Ha! Get it? It’s a joke son, cuz it’s not Thursday! Okay, it’s also not especially funny, either, sorry. So, since I honestly can’t think of one cohesive thought to turn into a single, lengthy subject, I figured I’d just take the cop-out approach and just slather the blog with little crumbs as I wander through the Woods of Writing much akin to Hansel and Gretel. But, as the story goes as well, I’m sure I’m going to get eaten by a big old witch at the end… well, almost.
Every night we get a series of phone calls from a series of people we have absolutely no intention of ever speaking with. No, none of them are bill collectors or bounty hunters or anything, just a random batch of companies who generally choose to opt out of leaving a message. Hey, I’m cool with that, believe me, the fewer annoying voices on my machine the better. But, I would kind of like to know exactly who it is I’m currently ignoring. Well, either way, here is a comprehensive list of the calls we receive nightly directly from my caller i.d. library: UPGRADE NOW (not too sure who this could possibly be with the area code 702, but whatever they intend on upgrading I can honestly assume doesn’t really need it), ESM (with the 386 area code I am pretending it stands for Elephantine Scrotum Massagers and since I have not that, I need not them), AWARDS DEPARTMENT (coded from the 414 location I can safely assume that whatever award this company is holding for me, they can get their collective asses of the phone and deliver it to me post haste), and PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT (313 area code. I think these folks are calling to finally get my input on that electric corn de-kerneler for the dinner table… Oh I hope so!) That’s only a few but none of them have ever left even a name. Oh well, I suppose I’ll just have to go on imagining things.
Secondly I am getting so, so exhausted by these sales that occur at my local grocery promoting a certain product being on sale presumably due to the fact that they are way overstocked and then, the shelves are barren when I arrive. Take for instance our Meijer location has had toddler shoes up for sale for nearly two weeks now and I check each and every time I’m there for a simple size 5, and the lying bastards are completely out. Oh sure, they have oodles of every other conceivable size ranging from infant 1′s all the way to Frankenstein 12′s., but the one size I need for my daughter, a damn FIVE is always out. So, what, did every other parent currently clothing a toddler make a run to acquire size FIVES before the inevitable growth spurt hits? Someone tell me something before I track down a stock boy and smack him with a shoe sizer.
Have you seen those gut-wrenchingly irritating ads featuring the AllTell fellow named Chad and his for freakish friends from the other phone services? Oh sure you have, the new batch features the big fat guy asking if they ought to have a butter eating contest and then the skinny buck-toothed jackass of the bunch checks the AllTell website featuring the good-guy Chad? Mom hollers down and bucky says, “Mom, we’re in the MANCAVE!” provoking the others to comment on his hot mother? Look, these were slightly funny at the onset like late last year, but now I’d rather have to consume a bowlful of broken light bulbs than hear another one of these. I think I need to go on a pilgrimage to find the numbnutts who wrote these travesties and choke him to death with a PHONE CORD!
Finally, not so much a complaint as an observation. I have completely rearranged my diet of late to include much more healthy items including my new best friend: flax seed. Now I have to thank my buddy Doug for turning me on to this miracle food that, according to the label, is a “Miracle Food,” Wow, see? Flax can drastically help with cholesterol, it has tons of Omega-3 fatty acids, and a bunch of good stuff besides. So, the following recipe, a new breakfast regimen of mine, ought to assist you as well. Hey, it’s for the betterment of us all right? Also, it’s yummy.
1 cup 2% milk
1 tbsp vanilla
1/4 cup brown sugar
Bring all to a simmer
add 3/4 cup whole-oat oatmeal
2 tbsp ground flax seed
1 tsp cinnamon (aids in blood pressure reduction)
reduce and stir for 15 minutes until cooked and thickened
add 1 scant tbsp margarine or butter to taste
Eat heartily. SOOOOOOO filling, too!
From my hands to your eyes, live long and read on…